Judging our decisions

Cindi - HappyMamatoThree · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 740

Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the right
or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of parenting? Or
that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than "regular" parents
who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little people.

We have all heard...

"this is what you asked for"
"well you wanted it"
"Parenting isn't easy, you should of thought about that before you tried so
hard to get pregnant."

and on and on and on.

Why are we supposed to love, care for, appreciate every moment more and
without any complaint ever than parents who haven't gone through IF? And we
have beaten into our own minds that we need to apologize if we feel sad or
if something is hard, even if our pregnancies are hard and we are sick or on
bedrest or whatever.

Just a thought,,

Cindi

Archived from group: alt>infertility>parenting

smith.joni · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 27

I relate to this so well. In fact this morning out to breakfast with
family I felt this way. I had mentioned to Kevin (my dh) that I
would like to go for a weekend trip by myself. Nothing extravagant
just a weekend away in a hotel a few hours away to rest and do
whatever I want without having to cook, clean, or take care of anyone
but myself. I wouldn't mind if Kevin came with me... that would be
nice too but I prefer him to stay home with Mason. Mason has some
special needs that make him a little more exhausting in alot of ways.
He has been in an early intervention program and a special preschool
and diagnosed by professionals so this is not in my head. I just
don't know that my mom is ready to deal with him for more than a few
hours at a time. She watched him for a few hours last night and was
pretty wound up when we got home.... Anyway my brother seems to think
this is all in my head and keeps telling me that he thinks Mason is
very curious, super strong, and has alot of energy. Yeah that is
true... but there are underlying issues that make this more difficult
to deal with than letting him "run around outside." Hahah I wish!!!
Anwyay he was basically saying... kids are alot of work and you are
the one that tried for 8 years to have him without coming right out
and saying it. It is so FRUSTRATING!!

I have never been away from Mason for more than a few hours at a time
since he came home in 10/2005. In fact I never left him at all until
recently when I have left him with my mom or sister to go to the movie
every so often. There were 6 months last year when I was basically a
single parent while Kevin was traveling for work and never home. So I
would say that I deserve a break... I don't think I have it any harder
than anyone else or anything like that. No vacations since he came
home in any form at all is adding up. I feel like I need to recharge
my batteries. I don't think I am any less deserving than anyone
else... just because we worked so hard to add him to our family does
not mean that it is not challenging at times to be his parent. I just
love being told how much work kids are by my brother who has no
children and assumed incompetent when I can't just let him run around
the yard to deal with it!!!!! My mothers comments were somewhat
sympathetic but still condescending in the same way.

I don't understand why it is this way but really really relate to it!!

Joni

On Feb 24, 12:46 pm, "Cindi - HappyMamatoThree"
wrote:
> Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
> like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the right
> or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of parenting? Or
> that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than "regular" parents
> who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little people.
>
> We have all heard...
>
> "this is what you asked for"
> "well you wanted it"
> "Parenting isn't easy, you should of thought about that before you tried so
> hard to get pregnant."
>
> and on and on and on.
>
> Why are we supposed to love, care for, appreciate every moment more and
> without any complaint ever than parents who haven't gone through IF? And we
> have beaten into our own minds that we need to apologize if we feel sad or
> if something is hard, even if our pregnancies are hard and we are sick or on
> bedrest or whatever.
>
> Just a thought,,
>
> Cindi

Karlisa · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 169

wrote in message @e10g2000prf.googlegroups.com...
I relate to this so well. In fact this morning out to breakfast with
family I felt this way. I had mentioned to Kevin (my dh) that I
would like to go for a weekend trip by myself. Nothing extravagant
just a weekend away in a hotel a few hours away to rest and do
whatever I want without having to cook, clean, or take care of anyone
but myself. I wouldn't mind if Kevin came with me... that would be
nice too but I prefer him to stay home with Mason. Mason has some
special needs that make him a little more exhausting in alot of ways.
He has been in an early intervention program and a special preschool
and diagnosed by professionals so this is not in my head. I just
don't know that my mom is ready to deal with him for more than a few
hours at a time. She watched him for a few hours last night and was
pretty wound up when we got home.... Anyway my brother seems to think
this is all in my head and keeps telling me that he thinks Mason is
very curious, super strong, and has alot of energy. Yeah that is
true... but there are underlying issues that make this more difficult
to deal with than letting him "run around outside." Hahah I wish!!!
Anwyay he was basically saying... kids are alot of work and you are
the one that tried for 8 years to have him without coming right out
and saying it. It is so FRUSTRATING!!

I totally understand where you are coming from, Joni. My oldest son Mick is
autistic. Having a child with special needs adds an entire new stress level
to parenting. Believe me, I know. Ignore your family's remarks, or better
yet, smile sweetly at your brother and ask *him* to take care of Mason for a
few hours so you can get away. I'm sure that he'll change his tune. It's
so easy to "back-seat parent" when you're not a parent yourself! I had all
these great notions before I actually had kids, too.
Smile

Now when I hear a child in a store having a meltdown, my first feeling
is sympathy for the parents and my second thought is, "I wonder if he's
autistic?" Funny how your thinking changes, isn't it?

Good luck with Mason, Joni. I know it's not easy dealing with a high
spirited child. Smile

lisa

MareCat · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 693

"Cindi - HappyMamatoThree" wrote in message $fX7.2201@nlpi061.nbdc.sbc.com...
> Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
> like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the
> right or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of
> parenting?

Or the not-so-fun pregnancy symptoms. I remember some *fellow
IFers* in a.i.pregnancy years ago jumping on people there because those
people were complaining about their pregnancy symptoms. So..."fertile
mertiles" are allowed to complain all they want, but we aren't?? I remember
some folks who suffered from severe MS and had the "audacity" to post about
how it wasn't the most fun thing in the world, and others would jump on
them! Yeesh--just because you complain about the symptoms doesn't mean that
you wish you weren't pg!! I'm sure that any of us who are/were lucky enough
to ever become pg and give birth to a baby are/were *extremely* grateful for
that opportunity. Doesn't mean we wish otherwise when we post things about
our pregnancy that we don't/didn't enjoy.

It seems like some of the biggest critics of "complaining" about
parenting/pregnancy are fellow IFers, which is something I've never quite
understood.

> Or that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than "regular"
> parents who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little people.
>
> We have all heard...
>
> "this is what you asked for"
> "well you wanted it"
> "Parenting isn't easy, you should of thought about that before you tried
> so hard to get pregnant."
>
> and on and on and on.

I have to say that, luckily, I've never heard any of these things from my
fertile friends or family members, even though I've done my share of
complaining (mainly about how hard it was when Rayna was a newborn--she was
colicky and had reflux, DH was traveling a lot, and I didn't have any family
or support system nearby).

Mary

MareCat · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 693

wrote in message @e10g2000prf.googlegroups.com...
I relate to this so well. In fact this morning out to breakfast with
family I felt this way. I had mentioned to Kevin (my dh) that I
would like to go for a weekend trip by myself. Nothing extravagant
just a weekend away in a hotel a few hours away to rest and do
whatever I want without having to cook, clean, or take care of anyone
but myself.

Oh, Joni, I so hope you get this little break that you deserve so much!!
It's really not asking for much, and it would do wonders to recharge your
soul.

And I agree with Lisa: you should ask your brother to watch Mason for a
little while. Wink

Mary

Me Myself and I · Joined: 13 Feb 2008 Posts: 6

For me the lack of complaining (or really trying not too) harks back to the
promises I made in the dark of night. I didn't make promises to any god or
being but rather I said things to myself, like "I promise if I have a baby I
will be the best parent in the world", "They will be my number one priority
forever" "I will never moan about getting up in the night" etc etc.

So after I managed to have Jasmine I suddenly thought wow I can't really
complain now because I told myself that I wouldn't and that I would make the
most of every second I have with this child.

As time went on it was less about those promises I made to myself, and more
to do with I haven't complained that much up till now, if I start now it
will appear odd IYKWIM.

Trust me in my own mind I have bitched and moaned probably more than anybody
about how hard this whole pregnancy parenting thing has been. But that
doesn't mean that I begrudge them or don't want them, just that I am like
every other Mother.

--
Pip, in NZ

My girls :
DD1 Jasmine - 5 weeks early - March 02 - 4lb 12oz
Mummy I'm not asking you, I'M TELLING YOU!!!!!

DD2 Abby - 8 weeks early - Feb 05 - 3lb 14oz
Three now and so grown up Smile

"Yes you can drive me insane just by talking to me!"

"Cindi - HappyMamatoThree" wrote in message $fX7.2201@nlpi061.nbdc.sbc.com...
> Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
> like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the
> right or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of
> parenting? Or that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than
> "regular" parents who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little
> people.
>
> We have all heard...
>
> "this is what you asked for"
> "well you wanted it"
> "Parenting isn't easy, you should of thought about that before you tried
> so hard to get pregnant."
>
> and on and on and on.
>
> Why are we supposed to love, care for, appreciate every moment more and
> without any complaint ever than parents who haven't gone through IF? And
> we have beaten into our own minds that we need to apologize if we feel sad
> or if something is hard, even if our pregnancies are hard and we are sick
> or on bedrest or whatever.
>
> Just a thought,,
>
> Cindi
>
>
>

mar66rus2 · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 113

On Feb 25, 2:24 pm, "Me Myself and I" email_removed wrote:
> For me the lack of complaining (or really trying not too) harks back to the
> promises I made in the dark of night. I didn't make promises to any god or
> being but rather I said things to myself, like "I promise if I have a baby I
> will be the best parent in the world", "They will be my number one priority
> forever" "I will never moan about getting up in the night" etc etc.
>
> So after I managed to have Jasmine I suddenly thought wow I can't really
> complain now because I told myself that I wouldn't and that I would make the
> most of every second I have with this child.
>
> As time went on it was less about those promises I made to myself, and more
> to do with I haven't complained that much up till now, if I start now it
> will appear odd IYKWIM.
>
> Trust me in my own mind I have bitched and moaned probably more than anybody
> about how hard this whole pregnancy parenting thing has been. But that
> doesn't mean that I begrudge them or don't want them, just that I am like
> every other Mother.
>
> --
> Pip, in NZ
>
> My girls :
> DD1 Jasmine - 5 weeks early - March 02 - 4lb 12oz
> Mummy I'm not asking you, I'M TELLING YOU!!!!!
>
> DD2 Abby - 8 weeks early - Feb 05 - 3lb 14oz
> Three now and so grown up Smile

>
> "Yes you can drive me insane just by talking to me!"
>
> "Cindi - HappyMamatoThree" wrote in message$fX7.2201@nlpi061.nbdc.sbc.com...
>
>
>
> > Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
> > like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the
> > right or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of
> > parenting? Or that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than
> > "regular" parents who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little
> > people.
>
> > We have all heard...
>
> > "this is what you asked for"
> > "well you wanted it"
> > "Parenting isn't easy, you should of thought about that before you tried
> > so hard to get pregnant."
>
> > and on and on and on.
>
> > Why are we supposed to love, care for, appreciate every moment more and
> > without any complaint ever than parents who haven't gone through IF? And
> > we have beaten into our own minds that we need to apologize if we feel sad
> > or if something is hard, even if our pregnancies are hard and we are sick
> > or on bedrest or whatever.
>
> > Just a thought,,
>
> > Cindi- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

I know exactly what you are talking about.

When I was pregnant I got it from someone on here b/c I was having
issues with my OB.

Then when the girls were a couple of months old, I was expressing to
my MIL how hard it was with Claire having colic and taking care of
two. Her response...."You wanted them." I felt so low and hurt. Yes
I wanted them. I love them to death.

Even though my girls are out of the colic and are easier now than
before, it is still very difficult. I do not like to be alone with
them all day (praying for no snow day tomorrow). It is very tiring.
I will be the first to admit that I am not SAHM material. It doesn't
make me love my girls anyless though...it actually makes for a happier
Mommy!!

There are days where I just don't feel like doing "mom"
things....yesterday was one of them. They are far and few but they
come around. We just need breaks.

April

JP · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 592

Interesting you mention this Pip. I did the same thing- midnight
promises to myself, etc. My biggest secret fear is that if I complain
too much, they'll be taken away... I was lucky to have relatively easy
pregnancies, and my kids are (mostly) wonderful. I have to say though,
that our family and friends have been incredibly supportive with the
challenges we've had- which have been mostly "normal" strong willed boy
stuff so far. Of course, our little girl is a perfect angel, but then,
the boys were too at 8 months old. Well, maybe not #1, he was already
pushing the limits Wink

JP

Me Myself and I wrote:
> For me the lack of complaining (or really trying not too) harks back to the
> promises I made in the dark of night. I didn't make promises to any god or
> being but rather I said things to myself, like "I promise if I have a baby I
> will be the best parent in the world", "They will be my number one priority
> forever" "I will never moan about getting up in the night" etc etc.
>
> So after I managed to have Jasmine I suddenly thought wow I can't really
> complain now because I told myself that I wouldn't and that I would make the
> most of every second I have with this child.
>
> As time went on it was less about those promises I made to myself, and more
> to do with I haven't complained that much up till now, if I start now it
> will appear odd IYKWIM.
>
> Trust me in my own mind I have bitched and moaned probably more than anybody
> about how hard this whole pregnancy parenting thing has been. But that
> doesn't mean that I begrudge them or don't want them, just that I am like
> every other Mother.
>
>

lilyaipg · Joined: 15 Nov 2007 Posts: 92

Maybe I was lucky but noone ever told me "you wanted them"..
With Tan I probably did not complain for the whole first year, he was
such an easy, happy and mellow baby..
I was just on cloud 9 and could not believe my luck.....
With Ela , yeah I did/do complain a lot.........she is our
spitfire..and not an easy kid...
With Mey, No complains so far.... Smile

lily

butterflyluvr · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 128

On Feb 24, 11:46 am, "Cindi - HappyMamatoThree"
wrote:
> Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
> like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the right
> or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of parenting? Or
> that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than "regular" parents
> who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little people.
>
> We have all heard...
>
> "this is what you asked for"
> "well you wanted it"
> "Parenting isn't easy, you should of thought about that before you tried so
> hard to get pregnant."
>
> and on and on and on.
>
> Why are we supposed to love, care for, appreciate every moment more and
> without any complaint ever than parents who haven't gone through IF? And we
> have beaten into our own minds that we need to apologize if we feel sad or
> if something is hard, even if our pregnancies are hard and we are sick or on
> bedrest or whatever.
>
> Just a thought,,
>
> Cindi

I totally relate. I feel so guilty when I complain, but I also hate
when people say "well you wanted this". I do think I appreciate having
my girls more than I would have if I hadn't have had to work so hard
for them, and I know for sure that I would have been a lot more
overwhelmed by having twins if I'd had them under "normal"
circumstances. As it is I always feel sooo lucky that I had 2 at a
time, as I always wanted at least 2 kids and there is no guarantee I
will be blessed with a 2nd pregnancy. Smile

I always make a point to
complain about normal parenting stuff to others in my life who have
children, even if it makes me feel a little guilty, mainly because I
refuse to be robbed by IF of the normalcy of parenting like I was
robbed by IF of the normalcy of getting pregnant. I feel like we as
infertiles have totally earned the right through all of our suffering
to complain as much, if not more, about parenting then "normal" moms -
lol! Although, whenever I am feeling frustrated I do try to think back
to when I was crying my eyes out over failed cycles, etc... and it
does put things in perspective and helps me be more patient with
challenging situations.

Butterflyluvr

P.S. Something my mom started saying to me as soon as I got pregnant
was "It's all about the babies". She would say (and still says) this
about everything. If I complained about being pregnant, if I complain
now about parenting... It always makes me feel bad when she says it.
Of course it is all about the babies, and they are my number one
priority. But, I am important too. Being a mom does not make me any
less important of a person. I tried to explain this to her, but she
never did fully get it. Oh well, I try to not take it too personally
now.

Cindi - HappyMamatoThree · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 740

>Butterflyluvr
>
>P.S. Something my mom started saying to me as soon as I got pregnant
>was "It's all about the babies". She would say (and still says) this
>about everything. If I complained about being pregnant, if I complain
>now about parenting... It always makes me feel bad when she says it.
>Of course it is all about the babies, and they are my number one
>priority. But, I am important too. Being a mom does not make me any
>less important of a person. I tried to explain this to her, but she
>never did fully get it. Oh well, I try to not take it too personally
>now.

Butterflyluvr,

I have never heard this one, but it sounds like only half the story.
Sometimes it is all about the babies, but it also needs to be about the
Mommy. We don't disappear after we welcome a baby or two into our lives. In
my mind it would be "all about the family." Though at the same time so many
people think that Daddy's completely disappear once babies are born and I
think that is so sad. Daddies are important too.

I wouldn't trade my babies for all the world, but there is still a me in all
of us.

Maybe you could tell your Mama that it happens when she says that. Though it
would provavly be better to learn to ignore it though that is far easier
said than done.

Cindi

Cindi - HappyMamatoThree · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 740

I am so glad I am not the only one who feels this intimidation for wont of a
better word. Lately it's been that with Rachel being 13 and strongly
charging through the curse of surges of estrogen when I say something my
Mama will say "You were the same" followed by laughter. Or, "how do you
think we felt we had four daughters, and two of those were twins." I just
shrug it off and go on.

Cindi

"Cindi - HappyMamatoThree" wrote in message $fX7.2201@nlpi061.nbdc.sbc.com...
> Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
> like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the
> right or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of
> parenting? Or that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than
> "regular" parents who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little
> people.
>
> We have all heard...
>
> "this is what you asked for"
> "well you wanted it"
> "Parenting isn't easy, you should of thought about that before you tried
> so hard to get pregnant."
>
> and on and on and on.
>
> Why are we supposed to love, care for, appreciate every moment more and
> without any complaint ever than parents who haven't gone through IF? And
> we have beaten into our own minds that we need to apologize if we feel sad
> or if something is hard, even if our pregnancies are hard and we are sick
> or on bedrest or whatever.
>
> Just a thought,,
>
> Cindi
>
>
>

Snittens · Joined: 15 Aug 2007 Posts: 373

"Cindi - HappyMamatoThree" wrote in message $fX7.2201@nlpi061.nbdc.sbc.com...
> Several recent threads got me wondering about something. Why does it seem
> like those who known we've gone through IF feel like we don't have the
> right or just shouldn't ever say anything about the challenges of
> parenting? Or that we are supposed to appreciate our children more than
> "regular" parents who didn't have to fight so hard to get our little
> people.

I still find myself prefacing any complaint or vent with "of course I love
my girls..." and things like that. The guilt I feel when I have one of
those bad days that we all have is slowly fading, but I really did feel it
bad when they were infants. It doesn't matter what I went through or how
much they are wanted, they are still 2.5 yr olds! Or colicky newborns, or 1
yr olds that can't communicate, etc.

--
-Kelly
see my babies: http://snittens.shutterfly.com

Decisions DH and I have been talking about whether or not our family is complete. We have until February to decide what happens to our embryos... my RE thinks we should keep them because he has advised us not to do another fresh IVF cycle (because I was hospitaliz

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