CONFUSED - re. intimacy with kids

BD · Joined: 21 Jan 2008 Posts: 1

Hey, all.

I'm a late 30s guy, who's been seeing a single mom for about 2 months.
Known her for about a year prior.

She has a 9-year old boy.

From the get-go, I've had some concerns about how/whether I'm going to
bond with this kid, as I'm quite sure the mom would like to see
happen. I expressed those concerns, and she made note of them; we
continued to explore the dynamic between the two of us.

The first night I spent at her place *while* the child was there was
about 2 months into the dynamic.

I hadn't been told so, but it seems they have a ritual of cuddling a
bit on weekend mornings.

So here I am, half-starkers in her bed, and the fella walks in for his
cuddle. I totally did not see this coming. She hauls him into bed with
the two of us, so we're all three in there, all cozy as a bunch of
bugs in a rug. She puts her arm around her kid, and then flops her
other hand over on me, so we're all 'connected'.

That was 2 weeks ago, and I'm only just now beginning to realize how
much this is upsetting me. I'd ben EXTREMELY sensitive concerning my
behavior around this kid, just because - hey - nothing's certain, and
although it's certainly easy for a kid to get attached to someone, I
do want to minimize the potential impact on him if this all doesn't
work out between his mom and myself.

And there we are, all in bed together one cozy weekend morning.
Nothing I could do, except leave. I kind of froze, but I did roll over
and face the other way until they got up.

My reactions since then have been pretty all over the map. But I'm
getting more and more upset as time goes on.

Am I over-reacting?

Archived from group: alt>parenting>solutions

Chris · Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 56

On Jan 21, 3:57�pm, BD wrote:
> Hey, all.
>
> I'm a late 30s guy, who's been seeing a single mom for about 2 months.
> Known her for about a year prior.
>
> She has a 9-year old boy.
>
> From the get-go, I've had some concerns about how/whether I'm going to
> bond with this kid, as I'm quite sure the mom would like to see
> happen. I expressed those concerns, and she made note of them; we
> continued to explore the dynamic between the two of us.
>
> The first night I spent at her place *while* the child was there was
> about 2 months into the dynamic.
>
> I hadn't been told so, but it seems they have a ritual of cuddling a
> bit on weekend mornings.
>
> So here I am, half-starkers in her bed, and the fella walks in for his
> cuddle. I totally did not see this coming. She hauls him into bed with
> the two of us, so we're all three in there, all cozy as a bunch of
> bugs in a rug. She puts her arm around her kid, and then flops her
> other hand over on me, so we're all 'connected'.
>
> That was 2 weeks ago, and I'm only just now beginning to realize how
> much this is upsetting me. I'd ben EXTREMELY sensitive concerning my
> behavior around this kid, just because - hey - nothing's certain, and
> although it's certainly easy for a kid to get attached to someone, I
> do want to minimize the potential impact on him if this all doesn't
> work out between his mom and myself.
>
> And there we are, all in bed together one cozy weekend morning.
> Nothing I could do, except leave. I kind of froze, but I did roll over
> and face the other way until they got up.
>
> My reactions since then have been pretty all over the map. But I'm
> getting more and more upset as time goes on.
>
> Am I over-reacting?

Well, you might want to consider that you may not be the first. If she
doesn't have the common sense to keep some space between the two of
you in reference to you sleeping over and trying to force a
relationship, then you by all means should, especially if you don't
know where the relationship will lead, and 2 months in sounds waaaay
to quick, IMO. My husband grew up with a mother who married almost
every man she dated or let move in, and it affected him greatly. She
STILL tries to push her boyfriends on him or put them up in our
business. That being said, my stepdad came into my life when I was
around 6-7 and he and my mom married quickly. We adored him from the
getgo, not having known our deadbeat biological father, but she most
certainly never let him stay the night. I remember him visiting and
being a really pleasant guy. It wasn't long before us 3 girls wanted
to be able to call him Daddy, but that was probably from not having
one prior either. He was deeply in love with my mother and courted her
relentlessly. She was hesitant to remarry. 30-some years later, he is
still my dad. Just my opinion.